What triggers emotions?

Emotions are our guidance system. Nature developed our emotions over millions of years of evolution. As a result, our emotions have the potential to serve us today as a guidance system. Our emotions let us know when any natural human need is not being met. For example, when we feel lonely, our need for connection with other people is unmet. When we feel afraid, our need for safety is unmet. When we feel rejected, it is our need for acceptance that is unmet.

What triggers emotions? Let us take the case of anger, management of which happens to be the problem with many of us today. According to Daniel Goleman, who popularized the concept of Emotional intelligence, “A universal trigger for anger is the sense of being endangered. Endangerment can be signaled not just by an outright physical threat but also, as is more often the case, by a symbolic threat to self-esteem or dignity being treated unjustly or rudely, being insulted or demeaned, being frustrated in pursuing an important goal.”

I have noticed my anger gets triggered mostly on getting a call at awkward moments from telemarketers, or the times when I have had to deal with service providers with an automatic voice service. You know the kind which tells you in an infuriatingly polite voice, “press 1 for billing, press 2 for credit card enquiries.... “and so on. What I desperately want to hear is a human voice which the taped voice never tells you how! So finally when after several attempts, I finally manage to get some executive on the line, s/he becomes a target of my anger and frustration. Far from resolving the issue, I have realized that were I to exhibit some restraint, the outcome of the conversation would be far more positive and more in my favor.

How have I been able to tame my anger? Having to work on anger management issues of some of my coachees (successfully, I may add!) I became aware of my own failings in this (and other) departments and decided to research the topic of Emotional Intelligence. EI, I learnt, is about our ability to understand o of others. EI has four dimensions to it:
1. Self-Awareness.
2. Self-Control.
3. Social-Awareness.
4. Relationship Management.

Self awareness is the foundation. Without self-awareness, we cannot be aware of our emotions. We cannot manage emotions we are not aware of, so our emotions will tend to be out of control. Out of control emotions impair our ability to experience empathy and to connect with others - just as they did mine in my interactions with the service provider executives. When our emotions are out of control, our relationships suffer – we do not have social awareness or the ability for social management.

Self-awareness – through my self-realization while coaching, facilitated both empathy and self-control. Empathy and self-control combined to make for effective relationship management.

How does EQ affect individuals and their careers?
The Centre for Creative Leadership, a well known institution in the US, has looked at why careers get plateaued or derailed and has found that, of the four top reasons, three are related to EQ and not IQ. These are:-
• Failure to adapt effectively to change
• Poor team leadership
• Inability to make decisions
• Difficulty in working with others

If you recognise any or all of these in you or your managers, then perhaps it's time to look at your EQ!

The advantages of being a coach

One of the good things about being a coach is that it constantly gives me an opportunity to review and work on my undesirable habits. While coaching clients, I need to listen to the coachee with attention, thought and intent so as to understand from his language the sources of his energy and passion. But there are also times when I may notice a habit which could come in the way of his success, but before I bring it to his notice, I tend to stop myself and reflect - am I a victim of it too?

Coaching sessions set me thinking

Quite, in fact, like the story told about Gandhiji. It seems a lady once approached him and asked Gandhiji to advise her young son about overcoming his fondness for sweets. Gandhiji looked thoughtful and then requested the lady to come to again the following week whence he would advise her son. The following week when the woman turned up with her son, Gandhiji took the child aside and explained to him all about the ill effects of being addicted to sweets. At this, the lady enquired curiously, “Bapu, why did you not tell him the same thing the last time we met you?”

“Because,” he replied, “Till last week, I too loved sweets, I worked on myself during all of the week to get rid of the habit, so that I could advise your son with honesty!”

Just as in the case of Gandhiji, I too have had to work on several of my own habits so that I could coach clients to work on theirs with some degree of integrity. As a result, I am now more in control of my temper; I tend to be a better listener, and I have become a lot more empathetic. And just in case you don’t believe me, all the above happen to be the observations of my wife!

All these improvements are encouraging imrovements in my Emotional Intelligence(EI), a topic on which have been spending a lot of time researching

Namaste!

I always knew that our Indian greeting "Namaste" had profound sentiments attached to it. The definition or meaning that I came across on this American (!) site
Center for Access to the Power Within:
has given this understanding a lot more profoundity. It says:

"Namaste
I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides.
I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth and of peace. And when you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us."

What a truly meaningful greeting!